by Pat Brandenstein
I recently visited a local store to purchase Halloween candy. And to what to my wandering eyes did I see, but a Santa Claus and 12 tiny reindeer. What?! We haven’t had Thanksgiving yet and there are Christmas ornaments. I guess I better start planning, I hadn’t even thought about the holidays.
People grieving the recent loss of a relative or friend need to do extra planning. This year will be different — the empty chair at the Christmas dinner, a stocking that is no longer hung over the hearth, or a missing Christmas letter you have received for the past 50 years.
Below is a plan for people who are grieving or who will be with someone who’s grieving. Miriam Neff, a widow, makes the following suggestions in her book — which I highly recommend — “From One Widow to Another”:
- Please say, “I remember.” We love to hear tender, funny, and just interesting things from your perspective.
- Let go of your expectations: Yourself and others.
- Be willing to flex from traditions. Changes are not necessarily permanent and things will be different anyway.
- Guard your heart from your ears. You will hear people say things that you shouldn’t take personally.
- Prepare for the unexpected, both positive and negative. Remembering a favorite dish that does not need to be prepared, an item that needn’t be purchased, an empty chair, will occur when we least expect it.
- Make a memory. For example, for Christmas, create an ornament with the person’s name and a word that describes them, or simply a picture.
- Try something new, lighthearted, and fun.
There is a saying: Failure to plan, is planning to fail. While the holiday season this year will be different for people who have lost a loved one, advanced planning can still make it meaningful and memorable.
Pat Brandenstein is co-founder of Wings of Hope Widows Ministry, a 501(3) c with chapters in Cheatham, Rutherford, and Franklin counties in Tennessee and Kent County, Michigan. Wings of Hope also assists individuals with forming widowed persons ministries in communities and churches.
